Healing, freedom and growth occur most rapidly through our personal relationships, as we become aware of our tendency to speak or behave unlovingly towards those with whom we are relating. This is why the most important question we can ask ourselves after any conflict is “Could I have communicated or behaved more lovingly, more sensitively or more gently ?”

Be honest with yourself, and don’t waste your energy thinking about how the other person spoke or behaved. Your job is not to make them a more loving person, and it is impossible to do so. If you want to reduce the likelihood of conflict in any of your relationships, focus on your own tendencies to be aggressive with your thoughts or words. Your voice is a powerful tool, so be sure to use it consciously, carefully and lovingly. Be aware of any tendencies you may have to be judgemental, critical or accusatory towards others, even behind their back. What you give out always comes back to you.

So if the ideal is to always think and communicate lovingly, without aggression, criticism or blame, then after every interaction we can assess how well we managed to do so. But we must assess ourselves honestly and humbly, being willing to recognise our failings in this area, and what – within ourselves – caused us to communicate in a less than loving way. Often its the reactivity of our own ego, so its good to recognize how easily the ego is triggered. Slowly but surely we can learn how to keep the ego out of our commucations, and relate to others more from our heart – from a place empathy, understanding and non-judgement. We will always have another opportunity to practice this in our next interaction, and the rewards for doing so are more fulfilling and loving connections in our life. Not just with those close to us, but with everyone we communicate with. More connection, more friendship, more joy.

Whenever we experience a challenging interaction, the willingness to assess the nature of our own communication – without resorting to laying any blame on the other – is what will help us grow in love, sensitivity and tolerance.

Its important to understand that the degree to which we blame the other person for our own unloving words or behaviour is the degree to which we surrender our power to change and grow. It is always possible to respond with love, even if it means walking away from a potential conflict as you see hostility and vitriol brewing. Removing yourself from an interaction when you notice yourself becoming reactive or aggressive can sometimes avert an explosive conflict, and doing so is much more compassionate to both yourself and the person you are communicating with than staying and arguing. Arguments always leave a residue that can sometimes feel extremely unpleasant, and if we can avoid this it is wise to do so.

So when assessing the part we played in a dysfunctional communication, you will benefit and learn most from focussing upon the part you played in the interaction. Be humble enough to recognise that – like everyone else – you too have tendencies to speak, act and think in unloving ways. None of us are exempt from this. Recognising this within yourself is an empowering act of humility, which is an essential ingredient to healing and growth.

And thus what distinguishes people is the willingness to take full responsibility for the nature of their thoughts, words and actions, without blaming another person for them. This can be hard to do, especially when you feel an injustice has taken place in an interaction.

But the willingness to take responsibility is what truly empowers you and accelerates your personal journey towards total transformation by love. We are all destined for this transformation, and it is up to us how quickly or slowly this occurs.

So on a daily basis, observe your thoughts, words and actions and ask yourself if they could be more compassionate, more forgiving, more gentle and less critical, less judgemental, less accusatory. The answer is usually yes. And if you choose to invite love in to transform your thoughts words and actions, you will be the prime beneficiary in beautiful ways that you cannot imagine.

Put simply, your life’s purpose is to gradually become a more and more loving person, until you have become totally transformed by love and there is no more darkness in your heart. No more fear, no more anger, only gratitude and peace. Its a life-time journey and sometimes a very challenging one, but each step we take brings more light, joy and happiness into our life. We feel stronger, freer and more connected to something greater than ourselves. Something profoundly beautiful. Ultimately, walking this path rewards us with a deep fulfilment that nothing else in this world can bring.

So commit yourself to staying on the path of love, forgiveness, non-judgement and non-agression and remember that no matter what external challenges you may face, you will always return to peace when you bring your thoughts, words and actions back into alignment with love. If you are ever in doubt about what is most loving, just ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?”

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Live in gratitude
http://AlexanderBell.org